Just had the juiciest beef burger ever. Every bite…

Just had the juiciest beef burger ever. Every bite obliged me to wipe my face with a towel.

What? You want to know where I had it?

But then I might just see you there one day – munching my cow and then wiping your face. Only I am fit to munch my cow and then wipe my face. That’s quite enough of italics for today. Now shove off.

Krispy Kreme!

Oh Joeeeee….. look what I’ve got!!! The most sinful, droolsome doughnuts you’ll ever taste. It’s pure heaven. Yum… Aren’t you envious??? *burp*

We do many things to strengthen parts of our bodie…

We do many things to strengthen parts of our bodies

Heart – go jogging

Biceps – do preacher curls

Abs – do crunches

Fingers – Go to Mellben

I’ll be lying if I said that we seeked out this Down-Under-sounding crab coffeeshop for the fitness of our phalanges, but it sure worked out that way. After almost an hour, you suddenly realise that your legs are still there, numb no doubt, but there. Everything seems to come to a standstill when you are wrestling with dead crustaceans.

You finally realise what an Olympian feels on the day of the race. You hear only your heartbeat, the crowd is mostly a blur (much like the Winning 11 audience), your mind is tuned to respond only to the starting buzz… ok, that’s quite exagerrating it, but we did miss a whole raining spell in the process of taking down two large crabs, one in butter herb sauce and the other in black pepper.

Next time, claypot vermicelli crab, looks real delicious. With a little training and practice, we may even be able to follow Joel’s original plan: one man, one crab.

The homemade curry at the Amara Hotel foodcourt is…

The homemade curry at the Amara Hotel foodcourt is absolutely fiery. If Life of Pi can make you believe in God, then this curry will surely send you to meet your maker.

The heat doesn’t hit you right away. It’s only after you’ve gone beyond the point of no return that this cunning gravy starts pouring hot coals on your tongue. The taste builds up in layers. The tongue is duped into thinking it’s harmless and by the time it wakes up with a start, your goose and most of the inside of your mouth are well and truly cooked. This is bringing the phrase “an acquired taste” to a whole new level.

As if the pain isn’t bad enough, you start sweating profusely and yelping like a wet seal, using up someone else’s tissue paper because you didn’t have the foresight to come equipped with a towel before your volcanic adventure. I suggest you have buckets of iced water on hand to plunge your head in, just in case.

The irritating thing about this particular foodcourt is its obsession with disposable utensils. Styrofoam bowls and plates are fine. They keep the food warm and prevent the screeching-of-forks-on-glass/metal/plastic-plates-experience that has caused many a diner to chew through his tongue. Plastic utensils, however, are unacceptable, especially when the user is currently semi-incapacitated by a searing pain emanating predominantly from his oral cavity. And so, with quivering hands, I attempt to dice the chicken up into bite-sized pieces. I’m sure that most will understand that cutting chicken up with plastic utensils is like walking through a minefield. Shrapnel (or flying fork heads) is a constant threat so you have to tread very very carefully. I start scraping gingerly at my chicken. This results in a pile of meat that looks like it’s been freshly butchered with a pile driver, leaving me slightly disappointed but glad to be alive.

There really isn’t a point to all this except to warn potential curry connoisseurs of the dangers of this particular outlet. If you would like to continue enjoying the services of your taste buds, then I gravely discourage you from tasting the fish curry for legend claims that it is twice as hot.

Fish is good for you. It contains calcium, iodine,…

Fish is good for you. It contains calcium, iodine, magnesium, protein, and (if you’re lucky) the odd dose of mercury. Plus it tastes good. Especially when it’s grilled. Which is why I ordered the grilled fish premium set at Long John’s, dubiously made up of fries, rice, curry (alarm bells please), and of course, grilled fish. Weird mix…and you’re expected to get the rice to your mouth with a knife and fork. I suppose I’m at fault for not heeding the warnings.

But then again, I paid $5 and waited the customary 7 minutes for this so what the heck.

First, the curry. I stab at the brown puddle with the damn knife before managing to transfer a few measly drops to my mouth only to regret ever bothering. If one were to mix 2 parts curry powder with 2 parts water, this is exactly what one would get. Yummy. Decide immediately to abandon.

Proceed to empty 2 sachets of chilli sauce all over fries and start chomping. But of course, LJS fries always taste good and this batch didn’t disappoint. So at least there was hope.

Now the rice. Tasted kinda waxy really. Like it’d been boiled, left to dry and then steamed before being dumped on my tray and flattened slightly. Very SFI.

Finally, onto the fish which, though touted as grilled, looked like it’d been boiled. The skin on the underside wasn’t seared and the flesh wasn’t flaky. Nonetheless, in a leap of blind faith, I took a bite. I don’t really know how to describe the flavour…but I think a fairly accurate representation would be to imagine the way fish would taste if it’d been marinated in its own guts. Absolutely vile. So vile that Winnie, she who devoureth all, took a sniff at it and backed off, reminding me of the way my cat reacts to Whiskas’ beef and something mix.

Nothing left to do but finish the fries and guzzle my Pepsi before scooting off in search of a second dinner. Will stick to the fried stuff next time.